When thinking about our biggest fear we tend to think about big things. Or in my case, I don’t even consider that I have things to be afraid of. Nevertheless, watching a documentary about fighting your demons, I realize that fear is already to be found in the fact that I’m not feeling comfortable with uploading this article on my website and that it took me 10 years to publish an English written article.
I finally decided to show up in the Arena but still with a lot of doubts in the back of the mind and a heart that is pumping like she never did before. The reason to be so frightened is because of what people have said about me in the past. English is not my native language and I never really paid attention to being good at it.
In my twenties, I couldn’t follow a movie without subtitles and a lot of friends made fun of my typical dutch pronunciation. I can tell you, this is not an encouraging situation to go out and make a lot of mistakes. I felt miserable, stupid, and not good enough. It became even worse when someone mentioned something like, ‘after a year of surrounding yourself with English native speakers, you didn’t even improve’.
This was the last thing I needed to hear. I was struggling with learning another language and I was trying to become better. And in a split of a second someone crushed all the hopes and the beliefs I had to be a person who can express themselves by writing in English. What have people done to you that you felt the need to burn someone else’s spirit? I still don’t know that answer. All I know is that I kept believing in myself even though I buried myself under the doubts of not being good enough.
I went to an international school, so I forced myself to speak English even if I didn’t know-how. I started to watch movies with English subtitles. Make English speaking friends, I read only English books, I follow a course and after 5 years I reflect on my progress. Even though I see a huge difference between then and now, I still don’t believe that I’m okay in English.
I’m wondering when I will get to that stage of being comfortable and okay? As long as I tell the story of not being good enough, I will never be. All the stories that I have written will never be published. Not because they are badly written but just the lack of courage. Isn’t sad that we just keep quiet because there are people out there who will point you to things that might need some improvement. But in such a way that you start to feel bad about yourself.
When you give room to those kinds of feelings, you will find yourself wanting a lot but not doing that much. Holding back because others will start an inner conflict that needs to find its way out. My thoughts held me captive in: What if? and who am I? but I should rather ask myself. If not now, then when? And who am I not to be..?!
This sounds appealing and motivating, yet I’m afraid as hell to show my true colors and to put myself out there in the Arena. Nevertheless, here I am, Brave enough to stand, to share, and to spread some love! Will you join me in this journey?
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yours Tati... 