Lately, I’m trying to define what my definition of friendship is.  For some reason, I get super upset and angry if I don’t hear anything from certain kinds of people and on the other hand, I’m okay, with a lot of people with whom I’m not in touch daily. Is it fair to judge other people because I feel ignored by them, if I’m not the one who is talking? Do I have the right to be disappointed if someone tends to understand but shows a lack of action? 

I thought that the definition of friendship is something universal and that we all want to have the same.  Something like: someone we can trust, someone we can count on, someone with whom we can share our emotions. Someone with whom we can have some fun and so on. 

However, it seems like that we all want this, but on a different level, with different people and it feels like we need different things at different periods in our lives. Back in the day, I would like to have everything in 1 person. Someone with whom I can get crazy, talk about deep stuff, laugh about nothing, acting silly, or being very serious. I just needed one person and the rest of the people were a nice addition to my life.

People come, people go, it is always enough, for the time being, there will always be a next chapter. The good thing was, I was never really devastated. It was all fine exactly as it should be.  Until I didn’t have that one person anymore, I became friends with everyone except anyone. 

I start demanding things from people, who aren’t capable of serving me in that way. I kept hoping and wishing for changes. It never happened, only my delusion of a real friendship. A lot of tears, thoughts, never answered questions, and frustration. I always thought there is something wrong with me, or there’s something wrong with them. But I realized there’s nothing wrong with both of us, just a lack of acceptance of reality.

It sounds so simple, yet it feels so difficult. A couple of months ago I started asking people, who I consider as friends, how they prefer to be in touch with me. They all answer the question with: Now and Then. I act cool, but I would lie if I say it didn’t hurt. Not because of the Now and Then answer but the fact that I could see them every day. 

At that moment I understood why it always feels like I’m begging for their attention and why I’m the one who gets upset. I was suppressing my own needs above the wants of others. You know something is out of balance but it feels like having something for a little bit is better than having nothing at all. 

It seems like the best solution for the short term, but a disaster for the long run. I was acting like I was okay with this situation and after a while it became normal. Until you find yourself crying wanting to call someone but clueless who you could call. With all those lovely people around me, I never felt that lonely. 

I decided to face that period by myself. I told some ‘friends’  that I was very down and in pain. In my opinion, I was reaching out, crying for help. Nevertheless, after a month I was checking my phone. There was not one ‘friend’ who made a call. I used to tend to be mad and to play it cool, but I felt broken and what do I gain from that attitude? Exactly, more pain. 

Nothing gets solved so I confront people with their lack of action, I ask them why I ask myself why. I tried to explain how it made me feel, I tried to tell them what I needed. I was trying to get the awareness of the reality of our friendship. I had beautiful and difficult conversations.

Some things change, some things remain the same and some things change but have fallen back into the old pattern. I used to blame them, then I tend to blame myself for not speaking up but judging them for things they probably are not aware of. But what else can you do if you keep experiencing those things, confront them with the behavior, tell them what you need and nothing changes and you still feel most of the time very upset?

It’s time to accept your reality and act on it. Start listening to what you need, even if you think you have a crazy desire, it’s better to be alone than to settle for things that make you very unhappy. There’s nothing wrong with them and there’s nothing wrong with you. You were just stuck with accepting other people’s wants and you suppressed what you needed.